I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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