11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
