I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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