My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
