Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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