I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
