Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
