I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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