Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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