life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
