Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
