Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
