I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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