Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
