What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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