I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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