I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
