new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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