My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
it hurts more in the daytime
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
