I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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