Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
