I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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