Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
