I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
