life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
