Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
