I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
