My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
