i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
