Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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