that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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