I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
