just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
