i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
