Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
