Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
