I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
