I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
