I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
