My sheets look like a crime scene.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
