I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
