Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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