My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
