I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
