She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
