what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
When are your genitals available?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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