New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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