I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
