i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
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ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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