I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
