I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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