it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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