I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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