In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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